Wednesday, 9 July 2008

The fates that mock us

You 've gotta love the irony sometimes. My life seems to be full of "almosts but not quites", as I struggle to reach atainable goals and follow my dreams. Wondering what the heck I'm talking about? Let me fill you in a little bit.

In a previous entry, I mentioned about a girl that I was training up to be my replacement at work, because I believed everything was set for me to leave at the end of June. To save her blushes if she ever reads this, I will refer to her only as "H". She is a rare breed indeed. As it turned out as I got to know her better, she was into Japan just like me. She watched Anime and read Manga and was trying to learn how to draw her own characters in the "Japanime" style, just like me. Heck, she even went so far as to dye her hair pink!

I never thought I would be so fortunate to meet someone like her in my lifetime. Despite her recluse-like personality, she was friendly, intelligent, cute, and good company to be around. I thoughroughly enjoyed her company, and I had hoped at the very least that we would become friends. And then fate reared it's ugly head and spoiled everything.

She had mentioned that she had just broken up with her ex-boyfriend, and had also had trouble with strange guys in the past, but I thought that just meant she was used to guys who didn't respect her and just wanted to be single for a while, with no intention of jumping into another relationship any time soon. Little did I realise, these guys had hurt her a lot more than she had let on.

First, she dropped the bombshell that she didn't want to take over from me when I left. In hindsight, this was totally understandable considering how poorly situations like this are dealt with. I don't think she had been fully informed of what she was letting herself in for in doing my job, plus her desire to become an animator meant it wouldn't be too useful to take up a profession in Desktop Publishing.

Then she dropped another bombshell on me later: She had finished her course and was leaving on the very day I came back from my time off, leaving me no time to prepare. I had planned to buy her a present as a kind of thank you for the time she did spend training with me, and also because I wanted to give her something to remember me by. I had comitted to spend as much time left as I could with her before she left, but she seemed somehow different, more standoffish.

I had asked her to see me at the end of the day before she left, but I don't think she wanted to. I'm certain now that if she didn't need to have a closing interview with one of our staff members, she would've just walked out, and I never would've seen her again.

I tried to talk to her, thank her for helping me, and asked if I could stay in touch via email or mobile. She told me she didn't want to give me her details, because she had found in the past hanging out with guys started out okay to begin with, but ended up turning weird and uncomfortable. The ironic thing is, had I been a female, there would've been no problem! Right now, a part of me wishes I was a girl, just so I could stay in touch with her!

My head was quite messed up trying to figure out what went wrong. I've literally had to write everything that happened down to help clarify my thoughts. I'm the kind of guy that'll replay situations in my head, figuring out different things I could've said or done to change the outcome.

I just find the irony so delicious that I would find a girl that's into the kinds of things I'm into, and with whom I really felt a connection with, only to find out that previous relationships have rendered her unable to completely open up to any other guy. It feels so stupid because I, more than anyone can understand what it is to be afraid of opening up to others!

More than anything right now, I wanna complain about how fucked up the situation is, how I may never see this girl again. I feel a great sense of sadness and frustration at this realisation. More than anything, I just wish things could've been different!

I wanna know what she's doing right now. Did she ever get round to writing those reviews on those Manga? How is her character drawings coming along? Did she get a new job? Does she still think about me? From the bottom of my heart, I wish her all the hapiness in the world, I just wish I could be alongside her to share in that happiness.

And so life goes on, and all I can do is carry on as if nothing happened. Another irony is that this whole thing is the direct result of my desire to want to leave my job. Sometimes it feels like you push so hard to get what you want in life, sometimes life will push right back, with unexpected results. I may have to give up trying to predict how other people will act or behave in certain circumstances, because more often than not, I just seem to get it totally wrong.