Tuesday, 11 September 2007

Ace Combat Spoof - The Nagase Sisters

This little spoof came from the idea of bringing the alleged Nagase sisters together. Namco fans will know who Reiko Nagase is (Ridge Racer series), but I don't think as many will know her sister Kei Nagase from Ace Combat.

I thought it would be boring if the two sisters just liked each other all the time, so I inserted a healthy dose of sibling rivalry to spice things up a bit! Suficed to say, there will be a lot of casualities in this blood feud!

Kei Nagase (callsign: Edge) was having a quiet drink in a local bar with her fellow co-pilots, Chopper and Grimm. They were talking about the next day’s sortie when they notice an attractive young Japanese woman go up to the bar.

Chopper: Hey Nagase! Who’s that hot Japanese chick in the skin-tight FREEEKISHLY short skirt over there?
Kei Nagase: Huh? Who are you… *looks more closely* Oh crap.
Chopper: What is it? Do you know her?
Kei: I believe that woman over there, is my sister Reiko.
Grimm: Sister? You’ve never mentioned having a sister before!
Kei: Well there’s a very good reason for that. Every time we meet up, she keeps insulting me. She can’t help herself, she actually enjoys humiliating me every chance she gets.
Chopper: That sounds fun! Let’s invite her over!
Kei: No! Are you crazy?!
Grimm: What’s her name?
Kei: Reiko, but as I told you…
Chopper: HEY REIKO!!

Reiko looks over to see who could possibly have called her name. Her face lit up when she saw who it was, and sauntered over to their table. Kei dropped her head into her crossed arms on the table.

Reiko: Well hello there! Long time, no see sis! How long has it been again?

Kei: About 2 years. Why don’t we try for a record and never see each other again? EVER!

Reiko: Nonsense! I love my dear younger sister far too much to not see her for such an extended period of time! How have you been sis?

Kei: Much better before you got here. Isn’t there a cargo freight you have to catch sometime soon?

Reiko: Actually, I’m in town for a photoshoot to promote the latest Ridge Racer. You should come too, you can even bring your boyfriends here with you!

Kei: For your information, these two are my team mates. As much as we’d LOVE to come to your photoshoot, we have a mission early tomorrow, right guys?

Chopper: Now lets not be hasty Kei! I’m sure we can spare some time to see your sister’s photoshoot, right Grimm?

Grimm: Sure! Why not!

Kei gave both Grimm and Chopper an “I’m gonna kill both of you later” look.

Chopper: You know, it seems like I’ve seen you somewhere before. What kind of things have you done, Reiko?

Reiko: Well, if I can remember correctly, I believe I was in Rave Race, Ridge Racer Type 4, Rage Racer, Anna Kournikova's Smash Court Tennis, Ridge Racer 6 & 7, and Ridge Racers 1&2 on the Sony PSP!

Kei: Jeez! I’m pretty sure they didn’t ask you for your life story, sis!

Reiko: Well how about you? Haven’t you ONLY appeared in Ace Combat 2 and 5?

Kei: I’m warning you sis, if you don’t knock it off…

Reiko: You’ll do what? Bore me with MORE stories of the NUMEROUS planes you’ve shoot down, or lecture me on the futility of war?

Kei: At least I don’t act like a brain-dead BIMBO, who likes racing cars because their loud and flashy!

Reiko: I’m sorry sis, just HOW MUCH MONEY do you earn again?

Kei: Just how much does it cost to keep your dazzling, youthful looks? I can hardly see the wrinkles and crows feet!

Chopper & Grimm: OOHHHHHHH!!!!

Reiko: Is that…..the BEST you can do?

Kei: Well, I only brought it up because a while back you lost your number one spot to a younger, more attractive model. Am I wrong?

Reiko: *slightly flustered* THAT’S……none of your business! Besides, once that bitch was in place, my fans screamed to have me back! Unlike you, my fanbase assures that I’ve always got work. Can you say the same?

Chopper & Grimm: OOHHHHHHH!!!!

Kei: How many LOSERS have you slept with again? Has it already gotten to the stage where you’ve lost count?

Chopper & Grimm: OOHHHHHHH!!!!

Reiko: Gee, I wonder. Why don’t we ask your BOYFRIENDS if they has a clue. Do you know how many men my sister has taken to her bed chambers?

Chopper: Umm, I don’t think there has been an….

Kei: She doesn’t need to know that, you IDIOT!!

Kei Turns to Reiko

Kei: You know, I promised myself I wouldn't stoop to your level Reiko. I promised myself that I would take the higher ground, but you know what? *starts to unzip flight suit* All bets are off!

Reiko: Ohhhh! What are you gonna do sis? Make me pass out with your sweaty B.O?

Kei: Just limbering up! *Ties sleeves around waist*

Reiko: Well two can play that game! *takes off jacket*

Chopper: Whoa! Ladies! There’s no need to take things too far now, is there?

Kei & Reiko: SHUT UP!!

Chopper: ……….just saying is all.

Grimm: Look on the bright side Chopper! At least we get to see a sexy cat-fight between two hot Japanese chicks!

Chopper: You’ve got a point there!

The sisters stand facing each other in what looks like an advanced fighting stance. They appear to mirror each other perfectly. A few people in the bar notice what is going on, and huddle round to see who will throw the first punch.

Reiko: Ready?

Kei: Unlike you, I was born ready!

Reiko: Think FAST!

Reiko lunges at Kei with a straight punch. Kei deflects the punch and delivers an elbow to Reiko’s face. Reiko stumbles backwards, momentarily stunned by the shot. She notices a trickle of blood fall from her nose.

Reiko: You…….you BITCH!

Reiko lashes out with a super-kick that knocks Kei to the floor. Kei struggles to get to her feet, and wipes the trickle of blood from her cut lip.

Kei: I see you’ve still been practicing! I’m impressed!

Reiko: Well, I guess in some small way I always knew it would come down to this. You’ve obviously been practicing as well, but that won’t be enough to stop me, little sist…..

Reiko was too distracted to see the punch that Kei threw at her, knocking her into a nearby table. When she got up, she felt a little cut above her left eye. Her face darkened as she looked directly at her sister.

Kei: News Flash: you talk too much!

Reiko could barely contain her fury as she charged at her sister again. Kei ducked the left swing, but was stunned as she had left herself open to a knee to the gut by Reiko. As she stumbled backwards, Reiko continued with a right cross, followed by a roundhouse to Kei’s left side. This assault knocked Kei into a nearby wooden chair, which crumbled under her weight as she fell.

Reiko went over to pick her sis up and continue the whupping, but as she did, Kei counterattacked with an upward head butt under her chin. Looking to capitalise on the opportunity, Kei charged at her sis with a straight punch. Reiko was not as dazed as she thought however, and retaliated with the same move. Symmetry was created again as the girls nailed each other in the face at the same time!

The crowd cheered and hollered at the amazing display of strength and speed that was being showcased in front of them. Chopper and Grimm were cheering their team mate and punching the air.

The girls backed off from each other for a moment to catch their breath and straighten themselves up. They immediately charged at each other again, locking hands in a “test of strength” pose.

At that moment, Captain Bartlett, the pilot’s commanding officer came into the bar followed by Lt Snow (callsign Swordsman).

Bartlett: What in the world is going on here?

Snow: Not sure sir, but I can see Chopper and Grimm over there.

Bartlett: Right. Follow me Lt!

Snow: Yes sir!

They moved through the crowd towards Chopper and Grimm.

Bartlett: Okay, spill it! What’s going on here?

Grimm: Sir! W-we were just…

Chopper: Glad you could make it sir! Sit back and enjoy the show with us!

Snow: What show?

Chopper: Kei and her sister duke-ing it out to the finish! Ain’t nothin’ finer than two hot chicks going at it in front of a bunch of guys!

Grimm: They’re really good as well! I wouldn’t want to meet either of them in a dark alley!

Bartlett and Snow turn to see Kei suplex Reiko through a table.

Snow: I didn’t know Kei had a sister?

Chopper & Grimm: Neither did we!

Bartlett: Kei does know we have a sortee tomorrow, doesn’t she?

Grimm: Uhh……yeah, she does.

Bartlett: And none of you thought about breaking them up?

Chopper and Grimm look at Bartlett in a quizzical fashion.

Bartlett: Oh good grief! Snow! Follow my lead!

As the girls are locked in a submission grip, Bartlett moved in to pull Kei away from her sister. At the same time, Snow grabbed Reiko.

Reiko: Huh? What gives?

Kei: Captain? What are you doing here?

Bartlett: Apparently breaking up a fight between you and your sister! What’s this all about Kei?

Kei: Sir! It’s not what you think…….she started it.

Reiko: What was that?! When I get my hands on you I’ll…

Bartlett: The pair of you settle down! This isn’t Foxy Boxing!

Chopper: Actually sir, it was more to the quality of Female Mud Wrestling

Grimm: I prefer Oil instead of Mud. It’s more sensual that way.

Bartlett: Well now that you mention it, I’ve always been quite partial to women wrestling in Jello for some reason…

Snow: Uh, guys? I would lay off that kind of talk if I were y……..

Kei: Are you comparing the blood feud between me and my sister to some stupid, perverted, peep-show?!

Reiko: It’s true that I don’t normally get along with my sister, but you guys just crossed the line!

Chopper: OH NOES!! What are you two gonna do, kick the ass of EVERY single guy in this bar?

Kei: That actually doesn’t sound like a bad idea, wouldn’t you agree sis?

Reiko: I think it’s about time these clowns felt the full fury of the Nagase sisters!

As Snow quickly ducks behind the nearby sofa, the sisters proceed to beat the crap out if every guy in the bar!

Reiko: Remember the days when we trained in the mountains with our Grandpa? ChiYAAAA!!

Kei: He was hard on us, but his martial arts training made us tough! These guys can’t compare to the crap we had to put up with as kids! KYAAAAA!!

Reiko: You got that right! HaiiYAAA!!

Bodies flew all over the place, as guys that were unfortunate enough to be in the firing line of Kei or Reiko were mercilessly despatched. It didn’t matter whether you were a jerk or a nerd; all were humbled by the fighting prowess of the Nagase sisters!

Bartlett, Grimm and Chopper were hiding behind an upturned table, all huddled together desperately hoping that the girls wouldn’t see them.

Bartlett: You know, this is all your fault Chopper! Why don’t you go out there and apologise for your rude and insensitive comments?

Chopper: Me?! I wasn’t the only one! Besides, I nominate Grimm to go out there and apologise for us!

Bartlett: That actually sounds like a good idea. Archer, you’re up! Front and centre!

Grimm: HEY!! It’s not fair the two of you ganging up on me like that! Besides, I think the RANKING officer should be the one to go, for the good of his unit!

Chopper: Grimm actually has a good point there!

Bartlett: Oh no you don’t! *grabs Chopper* Motor-mouth Chopper can deal with this himself! *pushes Chopper towards the girls*

Chopper: Waaaaahhhhh! I can’t believe I was sold-out by my superior officer! *Lands in front of Reiko* Oh, hello there Reiko! Any chance you won’t kick my butt?

Reiko: Ummm, no.

Chopper: Fair enough. Just one request, don’t hit the face?

Reiko: Sure! *Kicks Chopper in the nuts*

Chopper: D……..damn…..*falls to the floor*

Bartlett and Grimm were too distracted to notice Kei was standing right behind them.

Kei: Hello boys!

Grimm: Ahhh! Kei! Don’t hurt me!

Bartlett: Y-you do know you’re looking at a court martial if you hit me right?!

Kei: Well, that might be the case, but think about it for a second. Who would it look worse for in the long run? The hapless female officer defending herself from the advances of her lecherous superior officer, or the big burly captain that got his ass kicked by a girl?

There was a brief pause

Bartlett: Well, when you put it like that…

Bartlett was cut short by a side-kick by Kei, which flung him over the upturned table. He landed with a thud, and lay unmoving.

Grimm had all that he was capable of handling, and ran screaming for the exit. He was cut short by an outstretched arm belonging to Reiko, that clothes-lined him into the air. He landed flat on his back unconscious.

After what seemed like ages, but was only a little over 5 minutes, the sisters inspected their handywork. Virtually every man in the bar was hunched over in pain, or unconscious. All except one man: Marcus Snow.

Reiko: Hey sis, looks like one of your friends survived the carnage!

Kei: Swordsman is it? You want to try your luck as well?

Snow: Whoa! Hold on! I don’t want to fight you! …..It’s clear to me that I’d be no match for you. Your moves were, hypnotic!

The sisters advance on Snow.

Kei: Hypnotic? Pull the other one!

Reiko: You can’t full us with half-baked chat-up lines!

Snow: I’m serious! Your grandfather must’ve been a great teacher.

The girls slowed their advance.

Kei: He was, a great man.

Reiko: He gave us a lot of confidence when we were kids.

Kei: He made us laugh.

Snow: Is there a chance you could teach me some of those moves?

Reiko: What? You want to pledge your allegiance to the House of Nagase?

Kei: House of Nagase? Isn’t that a little over the top?

Reiko: Yeah, you’re probably right. Just tell us truthfully, do you think women are weak compared to men?

Snow: Not at all. The fact that your sister is a pilot is a testament to that fact. Women have proved themselves time and again that when you have the willpower, anything is possible! Plus, I’ve never been able to turn down a woman in uniform!

Kei: Quite the charmer I see! Let’s say we get outta here and get some drinks?

Reiko: Better yet, we can all go to my hotel room! I can get my limo driver to take us there!

Kei: Do you ALWAYS have to throw that in my face?

Reiko: What? You jealous that I’m a star and you aren’t?

Kei: I’m sick and tired of this crap! Am I going to have to kick your ass again?

Reiko: Just try it, flygirl!

Snow: GIRLS!! There’s no need to start up again! Let’s just take the limo Kei. What’s wrong with taking advantage of your sister’s hospitality?

Kei: …..fine. *hugs Snow’s left arm* Let’s go handsome! We can have some fun before the big operation tomorrow!

Reiko: *hugs Snow’s right arm* Wait for me loverboy! Let’s go faster together!

Snow: Oh boy! Looks like things just got interesting!

The three walk out of the bar, arm in arm, leaving what looked like the aftermath of a bloody war in their wake!


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